So when you talk about sex with your friends, what do you talk about? My line of work limits the possibilities, so I end up in endless conversations about the challenges of living in an over-sexed society. Of course there's the ocean of free internet porn, but there are the billboards and mainstream magazines and Victoria's Secret shows on CBS. (CBS! The Murder She Wrote network! Matlock! 60 Minutes! If these guys are running lingerie shows, you've gotta think that Fox... well, we just won't go there.) Now I talk with almost no women about this (with the exception of my wife-disapproving). But the guys I talk with are mostly tormented by all of this. You might be tempted to interject here with, "Well, there you go, the fruit of repressive religion-misery! I'm sure these guys would do just great in Tehran or the Puritan era!" But I've been wondering if my friends are onto something. On the one hand, yes, they have attitudes towards porn and proto-porn (all those billboards and popup ads and newsracks and CBS sweeps events) that echo 1937 America ("It's wrong") and 1977 feminism ("It degrades and exploits women"). But they also wonder if they're being robbed of a happiness they should be experiencing, if the screaming temptation to give their passion, again and again, to a fantasy inhibits their ability to give that passion to an actual person. Perhaps of interest: it's commonly discussed in my circle of pastors that there's lots less dating going on in our churches than there used to be. And surveys tell us that, despite all this sexual input, people are having less actual sex. Any connection?

So, you might say, if your friends feel this way, they should just opt out! Avert their eyes! Stick to the right kind of websites and leave the salacious stuff to the rest of us! If they're women, they should just feel good about themselves and their bodies and their desirability no matter what all those images shout to them! And, you know, good point. Everyone I ever talk to is right with you on that one and everyone gives it the good old college try and fails lots and lots and lots, and I end up in more of those tormented conversations.

And right about then I find myself wondering if what faith has always argued for is actually the only road to a great life: we'd be advised to go after a "new heart." As if we'll discover that self-discipline only goes so far and heck-with-it indulgence has unexpected downsides along with all of the expected ones. As if, in the end, we need a fresh set of desires, a life where we're not always fighting to corral what we "really" want to do.

As a longtime victim of our sexualized society (or, I suppose, a longtime participant in it-it depends on your point of view), here's what I find that looks like for me. I need to decide before God if I actually want the benefits of the five hundred and ninety opportunities for a quick illicit thrill each day or if I actually wasn't designed for that, but was designed for an entirely different set of benefits that come from an actual connection to an actual person I'm actually thrilled to be with. In those moments, I find myself wondering if I'm swapping joy for pleasure, if those are actually mutually exclusive in this case, and how I like that trade. And I invite God to kill off my false desires and give me new and better ones. And, having done that, it seems like I take a breath of clean air and take pleasure in the beautiful day he's given me and the great hope for my tomorrow.

But what do I know? There are few easy answers for those of us who want to opt out, and for all I know you have no beef with things just as they are. So what's your strategy for navigating a sexualized world?